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Michelle's F*cked Up Roller Coaster

So…shocker

It didn’t work out and it ended really ugly. I won’t get into the details but it was a bunch of crying and yelling all basically about the same old crap.

The good news is, I now finally feel like I have the closure I never had before. This last couple weeks with him was SUCH a nightmare that it helped me answer a lot of questions I used to torture myself with. Could I have done better? Does he still love me? If I try harder, could it work? No, no and no.

Now I feel nothing but relief that he is out of my life. I can listen to the songs that used to cut me to the bone, drive passed the places we went to together, think about the things we used to do together – all without so much as tinge of guilt.

I realize now I was never missing HIM, I was missing the way he made me feel. And he hadn’t made me feel that way in a very long time. All I felt was insecure, unwanted, bothersome and sad.

Good riddance, asshole.

 

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It’s not working…

All the same issues that caused us problems before, are causing problems again.

Problems don’t just go away because you broke up and spent some time apart.

The main issue is that he is not engaged and I hardly hear from him. He says he’s very busy (it takes ten seconds to send me a text to tell me you’re thinking of me). I asked him to call me, that it wouldn’t take long, ten min tops – he said he didn’t have ten minutes. He makes time for me at night but often times he falls asleep in the middle of our conversations. He almost never replies to my texts. He might send me one text for every ten I send. He is very attentive and engaged at night but that only lasts as long as he can stay awake.

I’ve told him many times since getting back together that he doesn’t have to stay with me if he doesn’t want to. I even tried to end it myself but he doesn’t really accept that either. I know in my heart I need to end it and end it for good. It’s just that I love him SOOOO freaking much and being without him is so painful. But being with him is painful too, just in a different way.

I am stupidly holding onto the fact that when we can finally see each other (we haven’t seen each other since we broke up in Feb) he will become more engaged and connected but even I know that isn’t likely.

Meanwhile, I still haven’t cut David loose because I know in my heart this thing with my ex is probably not going to work out and I do feel guilty about it bc it’s selfish and cruel to David 😦

Oh where to start…

I know it’s been a long time since I updated and a lot has happened…good or bad depends on who you are and how you look at it.

So my ex and I have played this little game since we broke up where I try to break off all contact in an effort to get over him, I don’t contact him at all and he doesn’t contact me for about a week to ten days. The he texts to tell me he misses me or ask how I’m doing but is always extremely adamant that though he misses me, we do NOT work and he in no way wants to get back together.

It’s pretty selfish if you think about it. He knows I’m hurting and that I want him back. He knows the kindest thing he could do for me is to exit my life entirely and never contact me again. But when he is feeling lonely or melancholy, he texts me so he feels better. Like I said, selfish.

That’s not to say I didn’t have my slip ups. I would have one too many glasses of wine and call him crying. If he didn’t answer I’d either leave voicemails telling him how much I loved him and how much I wanted him back OR voicemails calling him every horrible name I could think of. That had to be FUN for him, haha.

In the interim, I started dating David – who is EVERYTHING a girl could want. He’s hot, kind, affectionate, considerate, you name it. And yet…there is something forced about my feelings for him. I want to feel that spark that I crave so badly and deep down I just KNOW it’s not there. At first I thought it was just bc I wasn’t over my ex and I just needed to give it time and see how I felt once he was out of my system.

Well over the last few weeks, I started to realize I WAS OVER HIM! I was never sad, I hardly ever even thought of him and when I did it evoked no emotion at all. I could pass all the places we loved to go, listen to “our” songs, and not feel any pain. Granted, I felt no differently about David despite this epiphany which is sucky news, but I was really happy to feel like I was finally escaping the prison I’d been living in since the break up.

Then…

A couple of nights ago, he text me and what I prayed for over and over for SO MANY NIGHTS actually happened.

HE WANTED TO GET BACK TOGETHER.

He wasn’t like begging and pleading after some revelation that he can’t live without me (which is always how I envisioned it happening) but he was cautiously reaching out. He said he wants to enter a kind of probationary period where we both work on what we did to contribute to the break up and see how it goes. We won’t see other people, but we won’t SEE each other either, not yet. We just start talking again knowing that we’re exclusive to each other and go from there.

You have to understand what  a huge leap this was from everything he has ever said to me since the break up. If he said it once, he said it a million times – we are 100% done. No matter how much I begged or cried or negotiated, he wasn’t going to change his mind. So when he proposed all this to me, you could have knocked me over with a wet spaghetti noodle.

Of course (because I am evidently weak and pathetic) I agreed to this. It’s only been a couple of days but something is happening that kind of shocks me…

I am not sure I want this.

I don’t have that feeling of relief and joy I expected to have if this ever happened. I don’t know if it’s because we haven’t been able to talk a whole lot (we talked for a couple of hours last night but only brief check ins today) or because I haven’t actually SEEN him or touched him…I really don’t know.

When we broke up I was reading this great book  on break ups to help me cope, and it actually said you will know you are FULLY over him when he tries to come back and you find you don’t even want him anymore.

Is that what this is? I don’t even know. I thought that if I felt that way I would have told him know when he proposed all this. Maybe I accepted on auto pilot bc it’s like drilled into me that this is what I want? Shrug.

I guess my plan is to give it a couple of weeks and see how I feel. In the meantime, I told David we need to pull back some. We can still talk and stuff but I can’t see him for a while. I didn’t tell him why, and you can judge me for that – I probably deserve it.

I’ll report back when something changes…bye for now.

All time record…and a few other things

So today I achieved an all time record.

It’s been 5 full days since my ex and I have spoken in any capacity. That is the longest since the day we met but more importantly, the longest since we broke up.

It hasn’t even been hard but it’s hard to say why; it could be because I am just plain getting over it or because I have David as a distraction.

But I find I can listen to certain songs, think about our times together, drive past the places we’ve been together and not feel much of anything at all. That’s not to say I don’t think about him – I think about him all the time. But it’s hard to describe the capacity in which I think about him. I don’t miss him, I don’t hate him. He just kind of lingers there. I wonder what he’s doing, if he’s happy etc and I really do believe that will eventually fade into not thinking about him at all anymore which makes me both happy and sad.

Something I do think about is what I would do if he contacted me and wanted to see me or even get back together. Two weeks ago, hell a week ago even – I would have jumped all over that. Now? Now, I really don’t know. I would hope that I would have the will to say thanks but no thanks because that would be the right thing to do. That is what he deserves and more importantly what I deserve.

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In other news – things with David are going really great, I like him a LOT 🙂 I am supposed to see him again Thursday night and I’m excited about it.

I ran my 6th half marathon in Savannah this weekend with my best friend and we had a BLAST.

We went out to River St Friday night and ate too much, drank wayyyy too much, went to a sex shop (long story haha) and and didn’t stumble into the hotel until nearly 2:00 when we had to be up for the race at 5:00am. It was thundering and lighting the whole drive to the race but then it turned into just horrible rain (I mean rain where had you been driving you’d have had to pull over. It hurt my skin.) I was sooo hung over and had to fight puking the whole race and the whole 4 hour ride home. But I swear, it was really fun! Haha

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I’m the one on the right in the black and white pic. The pic is the upper right was one of our Uber drivers – she was soooo freaking weird! I swear we were gonna end up in her basement!

Anyway, so things are going well for me and as long as assface doesn’t pop back up, I expect them to continue that way.

I’m amazed at where I am now as compared to where I was a month ago when I REALLY DID BELIEVE I would never go a day without crying ever again…

Shrug. 

  
I’m “okay”. I spend most of my time feeling okay but I have bouts angry and when I do, my knee jerk reaction is to text him and tell him what a piece of shit he is so that I’m not the only one feeling bad about all this. But now I feel like a toddler who’s thrown a tantrum for hours and has just worn himself out. What’s the point in cussing him out anymore. He doesn’t care lol I literally have run out of things to even text him ABOUT. So I guess I just need to stop. 

I text him this this morning and then blocked him. 

“I don’t really know what your motivation is in wanting to leave the line of communication open between us; I have plenty of support in my life should I need something. I have a lot of friends. 

What I do know is that I am SO tired. 
So tired of letting someone who’s made it very clear for a while now that he doesn’t care all that much about me despite what he says (your words and your actions are contradictory at the very least) take over my mind and my LIFE for so long.
I’m tired. Quite literally exhausted in addition to sad and disappointed in who you actually turned out to be. I’m not usually such a bad judge of character. Shame on me. 

Have a good life – just please leave me out of it and you have my word I’ll be doing the same.”

I’m sure he doesn’t believe he won’t hear from me – who could blame him? But I’m really going to try to make this the end. 

I’m seeing this new guy, David. I mentioned him in one of my earlier blogs. I’m not crazyyyy about him but I do really like him and he lifts my spirits so I’m just gonna kind of see where it goes. 

This is David 😊

  

Someone new…?

  
So there’s someone new…and I’m confused. 

I like him a lot, we have so much in common and just enough not in common to show each other new things. I do really like him. 

What keeps getting to me though, is that when my ex and I first met – it was a whirlwind. I immediately fell completely in love with him. By the end of our first date, I was already swept off my feet. 

It’s not that way with this guy…but I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. Everything with my ex happened really fast and I’m wondering if that’s why it all fell part, I don’t know. 

I don’t know if I should say

“You know when you’re totally into someone and when you’re not. Don’t kid yourself and settle.”

Or if I should say 

“Real, solid relationships don’t start that way. They start with friendship and build over time. And that’s why they last. Give a chance…”

What do I do??? Ugh. 

Starting to fade…

The details are starting to fade for me. His face, his smell, his voice. 

I’m feeling further and further away from him by the day, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m going through most of my day without thinking about him and when I do think about him, it’s just a kind of numb ache – not painful so to speak.

I do wonder what he’s doing sometimes, if he’s happy but I think to some degree I might always do that. 

It makes me kind of sad to know that I’m this close to being over him and this nightmare. Like it’s really over and this is the closing chapter of our time together. 

  

Small set backs and small victories…

A couple nights back I told my ex  I had sex with someone else. He was really hurt about it (despite him not having that right but whatever) and I felt really guilty about hurting him. I know I had NO reason to feel guilty but it is what it is. To spare his feelings I text him back that I’d lied to hurt to him and that I was sorry. Then I blocked him. I wanted to be DONE. I am tired of the ups and downs and hot and cold with him. I just want out of this nightmare.

I had something bitter/sweet happen to me last night. I unblocked him (don’t ask me why, I really don’t know) and he text me. He said “What did you lie about?” This is annoying bc he knows damn well what I was referring to but anyway I replied and said “Why does it matter, really…” He didn’t reply back.

The miracle of this is, in the past when he’s made contact with me, I have always used it as a stepping stone to engage him in further conversation since I knew I had his attention for a split second. I’d tell him I loved him and missed him and try to persuade him to work it out with me.

This time, I replied the one time and that is all. Believe me when I say it was hard to do, to not talk to him…but not nearly as hard as it once was.

I *know* what I should have done was not replied at all. But as petty as this is, I didn’t want him sitting there wondering if I didn’t reply because maybe I didn’t get it – I wanted him to KNOW that I got the text and I didn’t care to pursue him or a conversation.

Obviously, I am still frustrated with myself for a) replying at all and b) giving a crap WHAT he is thinking – but progress is progress and I am trying to stop beating myself up so much.

Waking up…

I am so tired of waking up missing you. It’s like a new heartbreak every day. 

Most of the time I’m okay these days, but the first few seconds after I wake up in the morning, when I have to remember the way things are now are agony… 

  

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