I know it’s been a long time since I updated and a lot has happened…good or bad depends on who you are and how you look at it.
So my ex and I have played this little game since we broke up where I try to break off all contact in an effort to get over him, I don’t contact him at all and he doesn’t contact me for about a week to ten days. The he texts to tell me he misses me or ask how I’m doing but is always extremely adamant that though he misses me, we do NOT work and he in no way wants to get back together.
It’s pretty selfish if you think about it. He knows I’m hurting and that I want him back. He knows the kindest thing he could do for me is to exit my life entirely and never contact me again. But when he is feeling lonely or melancholy, he texts me so he feels better. Like I said, selfish.
That’s not to say I didn’t have my slip ups. I would have one too many glasses of wine and call him crying. If he didn’t answer I’d either leave voicemails telling him how much I loved him and how much I wanted him back OR voicemails calling him every horrible name I could think of. That had to be FUN for him, haha.
In the interim, I started dating David – who is EVERYTHING a girl could want. He’s hot, kind, affectionate, considerate, you name it. And yet…there is something forced about my feelings for him. I want to feel that spark that I crave so badly and deep down I just KNOW it’s not there. At first I thought it was just bc I wasn’t over my ex and I just needed to give it time and see how I felt once he was out of my system.
Well over the last few weeks, I started to realize I WAS OVER HIM! I was never sad, I hardly ever even thought of him and when I did it evoked no emotion at all. I could pass all the places we loved to go, listen to “our” songs, and not feel any pain. Granted, I felt no differently about David despite this epiphany which is sucky news, but I was really happy to feel like I was finally escaping the prison I’d been living in since the break up.
A couple of nights ago, he text me and what I prayed for over and over for SO MANY NIGHTS actually happened.
HE WANTED TO GET BACK TOGETHER.
He wasn’t like begging and pleading after some revelation that he can’t live without me (which is always how I envisioned it happening) but he was cautiously reaching out. He said he wants to enter a kind of probationary period where we both work on what we did to contribute to the break up and see how it goes. We won’t see other people, but we won’t SEE each other either, not yet. We just start talking again knowing that we’re exclusive to each other and go from there.
You have to understand what a huge leap this was from everything he has ever said to me since the break up. If he said it once, he said it a million times – we are 100% done. No matter how much I begged or cried or negotiated, he wasn’t going to change his mind. So when he proposed all this to me, you could have knocked me over with a wet spaghetti noodle.
Of course (because I am evidently weak and pathetic) I agreed to this. It’s only been a couple of days but something is happening that kind of shocks me…
I am not sure I want this.
I don’t have that feeling of relief and joy I expected to have if this ever happened. I don’t know if it’s because we haven’t been able to talk a whole lot (we talked for a couple of hours last night but only brief check ins today) or because I haven’t actually SEEN him or touched him…I really don’t know.
When we broke up I was reading this great book on break ups to help me cope, and it actually said you will know you are FULLY over him when he tries to come back and you find you don’t even want him anymore.
Is that what this is? I don’t even know. I thought that if I felt that way I would have told him know when he proposed all this. Maybe I accepted on auto pilot bc it’s like drilled into me that this is what I want? Shrug.
I guess my plan is to give it a couple of weeks and see how I feel. In the meantime, I told David we need to pull back some. We can still talk and stuff but I can’t see him for a while. I didn’t tell him why, and you can judge me for that – I probably deserve it.
I’ll report back when something changes…bye for now.